Hallo, kann mir jemand sagen ob das gut ist?
Wir mussten in Englisch eine Short Story schreiben und ich wollte wissen ob ihr mir Verbesserungsvorschläge oder so geben könntet?
On the same day at evening we and Frank's father packed our bags and went to the Jungle. We reached there at 8 pm. So Frank's father decided to make a camp for sleeping and on morning we will visit the whole Jungle. But we wanted to visit it at night so they decided that when Frank's father fall asleep we will go and come before when he awakens. Amongst them Noah was courageous and Sebastian was fearful, but Tim and me were not much scared. Frank was in front and rest of them were following him. Suddenly we hear some fearful voices. Sebastian got scared and said I am going back to camp. Then afterwards we heard also the bark of a dog. They were walking that suddenly on the left side Liam saw someone but only for seconds, he got scared and ran back to camp. After few minutes I said: "This is so fearful and I am scared of nights, let me go back to camp". Frank said: "Ok, but I will come after visiting whole Jungle"! Your wish, I said. After that in morning Frank's father asked where is Frank? We replied that at night we went to a Jungle tour but we got scared so we came back but Frank said I will come after visiting whole Jungle. Then we came back to camp. Frank's father first scold at us but after that, we went in search of Frank. We were walking that suddenly we saw a blood on the floor, we thought that it must be of Frank's! We were walking and walking in search, after an hour of walking we found the corpse of Frank!...
1 Antwort
Hi!
Grundsätzlich finde ich deinen Text gut. Verbesserungsvorschläge wären:
- Achte auf deine Groß- und Kleinschreibung: Nomen werden im englischen klein geschrieben, bis auf Eigennamen.
- Manchmal ist es besser, einen neuen Satz zu beginnen, anstatt mehrmals "so", "but", usw. zu schreiben.
- "fearful" heißt ängstlich, nicht angsteinflößend.
- Setze wörtliche Rede immer in Anführungszeichen!
- Du hast einige Fehler beim Satzbau und in der Grammatik, aber das lernt ihr wahrscheinlich noch.
- Manche grammatische Probleme kann man mit Gerunds lösen. Sieh dir mal ein Video dazu an.
Deine Geschichte hat einen roten Faden und ein offenes Ende(kA ob das beabsichtigt ist aber ja). Du hättest an manchen Stellen noch mehr überleiten können. An manchen Stellen hättest du weniger schreiben können, z.B. wo die Figuren besprechen, was sie machen sollen, da es ja nicht soo wichtig ist und dafür hättest du an anderen Stellen mehr schreiben können, z.B. am Ende um Spannung aufzubauen.
There was a group of best friends Tim, Frank, Sebastian and I. The exams were over and we were exhausted from studying so we decided to go out. Tim suggested freshening up and meeting at the park in the evening. At 5 pm we gathered to decide where we should go. I said that we should go for fishing or maybe trekking. Another one said we should go for climbing. But Noah didn't say anything so we asked him why he was so silent. "I think..." He began. "What do you think?" Tim asked. I said: "Let him speak!" Sebastian said: "Frank, you continue!" Then Frank said: "I think we should go camping in the jungle". Everyone agreed! Frank said: "Will our parents allow?" I said: "We should ask, maybe they will agree!" The next day everyone said that their parents are agreed. But Frank said that my parents are not allowing us to go alone, so my father said that he will also come with us.
On the same day in the evening we and Frank's father packed our bags and went to the jungle. We arrived there at 8 pm. Frank's father decided to build up tents to go to sleep. In the morning we would explore the jungle. But we wanted to visit it at night so we decided to wait for Frank's father to fall asleep. Noah was feeling courageous and Sebastian was fearful, but Tim and me were not much scared. Frank was in front and rest of them were following him. Suddenly we heared some scary voices. Sebastian got scared and said I am going back to camp. Then afterwards we also heard the bark of a dog. We were walking, when suddenly on the left side Liam saw someone but only for a few seconds. He got scared and ran back to camp. After a few minutes I said: "This is so scary and I am scared of nights, let me go back to camp". Frank said: "Ok, but I will only come after seeing the whole jungle"! "Do what you wish", I said. We went back to the camp without Frank. In the morning Frank's father asked where Frank was. We admitted that at night we went to a jungle trip but we got scared so we came back. We also told him that Frank said he would come after visiting the whole jungle. Frank's father first scolded us but after that, we went to search for Frank. We were walking when we suddenly saw blood on the floor. We were scared that it might be Frank's! We were walking and walking while searching. After an hour of walking we suddenly found the corpse of Frank!!