Charakterisierung verbessern!
Zur Übung habe ich eine Charakterisierung geschrieben,wäre toll wenn ihr mir sagen würdet was ich besser machen kann.
DANKE im voraus :)
In the following text I`m describing Angus Bethune,a fat kid and outsider.He goes at the Lake Michigan High School and dreams of his "moment".He gets it at the dance floor of his school,at the Winter Ball with the winter ball queen Melissa Lefevre,a girl he fell in love in the kinder garden.He´s the Winter Ball king,because of Rick Sanford,Melissa's boyfriend,a rich and rude boy.He gives the pupils money for voting Angus as the Winter Ball king.Now Angus has to dance with her,a girl he has never talk to.And the worst thing:he can't dance but he is a very good footballer and fighter.When they dances,Melissa's boyfriend sees them,he he's drunk,so he says bitch to Melissa and wants to fight with Angus.
2 Antworten
Hallo,
zusätzlich zu Koschutnig würde ich noch folgendes (fett gedruckt) ändern:
In the following text, I am going to describe
(hier wäre zu überlegen, ob man evtl. das Present Progressive benutzt, also I am describing. Die Unterschiede in der Verwendung sind aber so gering, dass man das going-to future hier aber auch gelten lassen kann)
Angus Bethune, a fat kid and outsider who attends Lake Michigan High School and dreams of his "moment". He gets it on the dance floor of his school, during the Winter Ball with the Winter Ball Queen, Melissa Lefevre,a girl he had (already) fallen in love with in kindergarten (already).
Angus is elected Winter Ball King because Rick Sanford, Melissa's boyfriend, a rich and rude boy, pays the students for voting for Angus.
As the Ball King, Angus has to dance with her, with a girl he had never even talked to before. And the worst thing is that he cannot dance at all, but he is a very good footballer and fighter.When they dance, Melissa's boyfriend, who is drunk, sees them and calls Melissa a bitch, and he wants to start a fight with Angus.
Schriftlich sollten keine Kurzformen wie I'm oder can't usw. verwendet werden, sondern die Langformen, also I am oder cannot usw.
:-) AstridDerPu
Schön, dass dir meine Antwort gefallen hat. Hoffentlich hat's geholfen.
Danke für das Sternchen!
:-) AstridDerPu
In the following text I`m going to describe Angus Bethune, a fat kid and outsider who goes to Lake Michigan High School and dreams of his "moment". He gets it on the dance floor of his school, during Winter Ball with the Winter Ball Queen, Melissa Lefevre,a girl he had fallen in love with in kindergarden already. ** Because Rick** Sanford, Melissa's boyfriend, a rich and rude boy, pays the students for voting for Angus, Angus is elected Winter Ball King and must dance with her, with a girl he had never even talked to before. And the worst thing is that he can't dance at all, but he is a very good footballer and fighter.When they dance, Melissa's boyfriend, who is drunk, sees them and calls Melissa a bitch, and he wants to start a fight with Angus.