Hallo literarisch interessierter Teil der Community,
Ich hatte vor kurzem eine Frage gestellt in der ich um Kritiken um ein Gedicht von mir gebeten habe. Ich habe das Gedicht nun auf Englisch übersetzt und bitte hier erneut um Kritiken.
Es geht darum, dass ich ein Buch für Erwachsene im Stile eines Kinderbuchs erstellen möchte. Es erzählt eine Horror-Geschichte über einen kopflosen Mann und war von dieser Zeichnung von mir inspiriert:
So ähnlich sollen die Illustrationen werden.
Hier nun das englische Gedicht:
The headless man
Near this place, there is a man
that is as pretty as he can.
He is so tall, he is so long,
he has such noble clothing on.
He is a gentleman of bliss
but there is just one thing amiss.
You'll see it if you closely check,
there's nothing there above his neck.
No hair, no ears, just like I said,
because this man, he has no head.
He lost it very long ago,
and where it is, he does not know.
But he feels neither, rue nor bleak.
A new one for he has to seek.
So to the house there does he steer.
he knocks five times, so all can hear.
With his knuckles very gently
so that he can be granted entry.
Rat-Tat-Tat-Tat-Tat
He listens, no one get's the door
So he just has to knock once more
with his cane, he does not fret
maybe no one has heard him yet.
Thud-thud-thud-thud-thud
The house get's loud, the way's still blocked
Did he just heard the door get locked?
He get's so irate through and through,
this is just something you don't do.
He knock's again, strong as he could,
Bam-Bam-Bam-Bam-BAM
His fist just knocked right through the wood.
Through the air the splinters speeded.
There you go, persistance needed.
The man steppes in, well save and sound.
Is there a head laying around?
In this space here?
The kitchen dear?
The bed so soft?
Or at the curtains near the loft?
Regrettable, no head to find,
Should he just leave this house behind?
But hold on, what was what he eyed?
There in the tub, there's one inside.
It's almost too good to be true,
the nicest head he ever knew.
Oh Whoops, look there, the head is stuck,
it seems that this is one to pluck.
Crick Crack
He grabs the head, he pulls it back
that everyone can hear a crack.
Rip Rap
It rips and raps, it tears what held,
the man feels more and more impelled.
It's almost done, now just a twist.
Squelch
It's done, a head just to be kissed.
At last, a head, look how it beams,
as if it came right out of dreams.
(puts eyes on a plate)
He does not need them, has no use.
Now fix the head, that it's not loose.
Look at him, in all his beauty
To paint him be an artist's duty.
A pretty treasure from his sack,
he leaves there on the table back.
He pays the head, for he is dear
and not a thief, not even near.
So neat and fine and there he goes,
No beauty may come even close.
And if he once or ever scorned
the head that had him so adorned,
then he attires nice and smart
and he begins his search from start.
So make sure, your door is blocking,
maybe you will hear him knocking.
Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat
Mir geht's vor allem darum ob sich die Verse gut anfühlen, ob sie gut zu lesen sind.
